longing for just the right words...

Well...I'm still alive.

I've been at a loss for words...almost voluntarily.

I can't grasp what I'm trying to say. No one else can either...and what's more, it seems as though this silence has been good...dare I say, beneficial...

The question currently on my mind:

Where is my heart?

what have i done?

So...I just realized that I have fallen plague to this thought:

"America is dark...and it will stay that way."

Everyone around me says the exact opposite, but I think I have started to believe it.

This is scary...because the very path that I am following requires the faith to believe that even a nation in deep darkness can be saved.

God is mighty to save. And so I pray, "Lord I believe, but help my unbelief...darkness is as light to you...one word...and it will change."

to answer the un-asked questions...what exactly am i doing with my life...

Proverbs 25:2 "It is the glory of God to conceal a thing, but the honor of kings to search out a matter."

So, as many of you know, I moved to Kansas City to become an intercessory missionary at the International House of Prayer.

And in the back of my mind, and I'm sure yours, was the question, "What's the point of that?"

When I first moved, I didn't know why. Two and half weeks earlier, I had gotten a call from someone telling me I should move here. I put it off, thinking that it was pointless. "Why sit and pray all day?" That's the question that floated in my mind.

But one night, as I was falling asleep, I heard the Lord say, "Go to Kansas City and pray. This is what I want from you. Nothing more. Nothing less."

I couldn't quite understand the implications of the move. I really couldn't. But, after all that I had been through, I was convinced that I couldn't go wrong with prayer. And, in the back of my mind, I had the thought that I could just move back home if I didn't like it.

When I got here, I was immediately sure that this was my place to be.

Beyond the music, in my heart, there is a deep longing. I can't quite explain it, but it's something that I've always reached for. I'm not sure exactly what it is. But now, I feel like I'm gaining it.

I realized that I had fallen prey to the thought that prayer was secondary to Christian ministry. I had, in the deep crevices of my heart, a thought that the only reason you prayed was to see results. When you want to minister, you pray so that God will move. When you need something, you pray so that God will give it to you. When you don't like something, you pray so that God will change it.

But beyond the results, there is another prayer that is, in a sense, all inclusive. "God, who are You? What do you want? Why do you want it?"

This is the nobility of prayer. It's the honor of kings.

God hides things from us. It's His nature. A lot of times we ask what we want. But the mystery of truly effective prayer is this...asking what He wants. In the hidden heart of Christ is a deep longing to share everything He knows.

Looking back, I've learned how to do a lot. However, I've never learned to how to be.

I'm learning how to be one of God's friends.

It saddens me that the pursuit of friendship with God is deemed pointless at times...even in my heart. Some have said, you can do and in the process learn to be. I don't agree. Before God ever did anything, He Was.

It's in this secret that I want to be discovered. Beyond the comprehension of man's understanding and in the very middle of God's wisdom.

There I can be one that's like Melchizidek. A kingly priest. One lost in the depths of God's heart, changing the very atmosphere by being where I am rather than by what I'm doing.

Background Music: Misty Edwards singing, "'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus..."

vines.

I have discovered a secret of living life in the midst of chaos- abiding. I have been on a faith journey of searching for my place in Him.

Earlier this year, after the whirlwind of traveling with a music group, I asked myself, "Why do I feel like I've wasted the last 9 months of my life?" I couldn't put my finger on it. Although others had insight into some of the very apparent mistakes that I brought myself into, I could not grasp why there was a void. Despite all of the things that went wrong that were truly out of my hands, I felt like there a missing piece of the picture. I felt far removed from God at my own doing. Eventually, I moved on...without ever getting a real answer.

However, a couple of days ago, I started analyzing the unsolved problem that I had in the place of prayer. I was determined to understand where my heart was in that period in my life. Suddenly, out of no where, a prophetic singer sang, "I am the branch, and You are the vine...wherever You are, there will I be also!" I opened my Bible and started the journey of learning to abide.

John 15:5-7 "I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you."

Something in my heart brought me back to the difficult times of this year, and I realized the haunting truth that I had allowed myself to be separated from the vine. Through all of the turmoil and confusion, I gave up on praying, reading my Bible, and even worshiping. I didn't abide in love. I didn't abide in God. I justified my fallen state with the claim of being mistreated and misused.

However, in one moment, the light of God's word shattered the reality that I had forsaken first things. I did waste 9 months of my life...not because someone mistreated me or because I was busy but because I had cut myself off from the source of life and goodness.

When I thought about the nature of vines, I realized they can roam anywhere. They can spread over un-fertile soil, lifeless rocks, and houses while still remaining alive. Also, the plants that stem from the vine grow and produce color and fruit.

This passage in John took on a new dimension for me. I realized that even though I seemed to going through a place of un-fertile soil and lifelessness, I had a choice to remain attached to a vine that would give me the strength to produce fruit and life. However, I chose to disassociate myself from the vine. I was cast away and withered. It was the grace of God that I had people to pray for me and re-attach me to the vine.

So now, with the semi-hectic schedule and to-do lists, I have found that keeping myself attached Jesus continually keeps me alive. I can't live without Him.

Background Music: Luke Woods singing "Worthy is the Lamb." He truly declares the beauty and majesty of Jesus better than any I've heard.

humanity's condition...and the remedy

Jesus' leadership is perfect.

And humans hate it intrinsically.

Yet, he gives us the opportunity to embrace it despite our unbelief. Thus, the cry of "Lord, I believe, but help my unbelief."

Thus, allowing us to cling to life.

So...once the oil sees the light...all the pieces of dust can be seen and removed.

Oil of the Lord flow down from the Heavens and never stop flowing. Your water is good and your wine is sweet.

So, I will believe the very words of Eternity and kiss the Son!

-dallas

random thoughts...

So I'm sitting in a coffee shop at 9 o'clock at night all by myself.

And though I do enjoy the solitary moments in life...rather I wish they were more frequent...I am finding myself not particularly happy about this situation.

I'm not sad about it.

Or even lonely.

Just a bit disappointed.

Usually, solitude causes one to enjoy self-reflection. Or rather endure it...depends on the day.

But my mind is drawn to other places right now...

And all the while a familiar scripture rattles my mind...my yoke is easy, my burden is light...

True Prayer

I have come to the conclusion that prayer should never be results oriented.

Why?

Because Jesus' leadership is perfect.

It's the longing of His heart that we come in agreement with Him.

When we pray, and truly pray in the spirit...we come into the knowledge of Him...thus reconciling us back to His heart.

Prayer is not just supplication but rather a doorway into the Holy...the Holiest One...

He never stops longing, so I'll never stop praying...

He is searching for a resting place where man is reconciled with creator...and He isn't resting...and thus the reason behind incessant prayer has become so logical...it won't stay that way, I'm sure...He never likes us to measure Him with human understanding...but I pray that my spirit will come into the knowledge.