to answer the un-asked questions...what exactly am i doing with my life...

Proverbs 25:2 "It is the glory of God to conceal a thing, but the honor of kings to search out a matter."

So, as many of you know, I moved to Kansas City to become an intercessory missionary at the International House of Prayer.

And in the back of my mind, and I'm sure yours, was the question, "What's the point of that?"

When I first moved, I didn't know why. Two and half weeks earlier, I had gotten a call from someone telling me I should move here. I put it off, thinking that it was pointless. "Why sit and pray all day?" That's the question that floated in my mind.

But one night, as I was falling asleep, I heard the Lord say, "Go to Kansas City and pray. This is what I want from you. Nothing more. Nothing less."

I couldn't quite understand the implications of the move. I really couldn't. But, after all that I had been through, I was convinced that I couldn't go wrong with prayer. And, in the back of my mind, I had the thought that I could just move back home if I didn't like it.

When I got here, I was immediately sure that this was my place to be.

Beyond the music, in my heart, there is a deep longing. I can't quite explain it, but it's something that I've always reached for. I'm not sure exactly what it is. But now, I feel like I'm gaining it.

I realized that I had fallen prey to the thought that prayer was secondary to Christian ministry. I had, in the deep crevices of my heart, a thought that the only reason you prayed was to see results. When you want to minister, you pray so that God will move. When you need something, you pray so that God will give it to you. When you don't like something, you pray so that God will change it.

But beyond the results, there is another prayer that is, in a sense, all inclusive. "God, who are You? What do you want? Why do you want it?"

This is the nobility of prayer. It's the honor of kings.

God hides things from us. It's His nature. A lot of times we ask what we want. But the mystery of truly effective prayer is this...asking what He wants. In the hidden heart of Christ is a deep longing to share everything He knows.

Looking back, I've learned how to do a lot. However, I've never learned to how to be.

I'm learning how to be one of God's friends.

It saddens me that the pursuit of friendship with God is deemed pointless at times...even in my heart. Some have said, you can do and in the process learn to be. I don't agree. Before God ever did anything, He Was.

It's in this secret that I want to be discovered. Beyond the comprehension of man's understanding and in the very middle of God's wisdom.

There I can be one that's like Melchizidek. A kingly priest. One lost in the depths of God's heart, changing the very atmosphere by being where I am rather than by what I'm doing.

Background Music: Misty Edwards singing, "'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus..."

vines.

I have discovered a secret of living life in the midst of chaos- abiding. I have been on a faith journey of searching for my place in Him.

Earlier this year, after the whirlwind of traveling with a music group, I asked myself, "Why do I feel like I've wasted the last 9 months of my life?" I couldn't put my finger on it. Although others had insight into some of the very apparent mistakes that I brought myself into, I could not grasp why there was a void. Despite all of the things that went wrong that were truly out of my hands, I felt like there a missing piece of the picture. I felt far removed from God at my own doing. Eventually, I moved on...without ever getting a real answer.

However, a couple of days ago, I started analyzing the unsolved problem that I had in the place of prayer. I was determined to understand where my heart was in that period in my life. Suddenly, out of no where, a prophetic singer sang, "I am the branch, and You are the vine...wherever You are, there will I be also!" I opened my Bible and started the journey of learning to abide.

John 15:5-7 "I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you."

Something in my heart brought me back to the difficult times of this year, and I realized the haunting truth that I had allowed myself to be separated from the vine. Through all of the turmoil and confusion, I gave up on praying, reading my Bible, and even worshiping. I didn't abide in love. I didn't abide in God. I justified my fallen state with the claim of being mistreated and misused.

However, in one moment, the light of God's word shattered the reality that I had forsaken first things. I did waste 9 months of my life...not because someone mistreated me or because I was busy but because I had cut myself off from the source of life and goodness.

When I thought about the nature of vines, I realized they can roam anywhere. They can spread over un-fertile soil, lifeless rocks, and houses while still remaining alive. Also, the plants that stem from the vine grow and produce color and fruit.

This passage in John took on a new dimension for me. I realized that even though I seemed to going through a place of un-fertile soil and lifelessness, I had a choice to remain attached to a vine that would give me the strength to produce fruit and life. However, I chose to disassociate myself from the vine. I was cast away and withered. It was the grace of God that I had people to pray for me and re-attach me to the vine.

So now, with the semi-hectic schedule and to-do lists, I have found that keeping myself attached Jesus continually keeps me alive. I can't live without Him.

Background Music: Luke Woods singing "Worthy is the Lamb." He truly declares the beauty and majesty of Jesus better than any I've heard.

humanity's condition...and the remedy

Jesus' leadership is perfect.

And humans hate it intrinsically.

Yet, he gives us the opportunity to embrace it despite our unbelief. Thus, the cry of "Lord, I believe, but help my unbelief."

Thus, allowing us to cling to life.

So...once the oil sees the light...all the pieces of dust can be seen and removed.

Oil of the Lord flow down from the Heavens and never stop flowing. Your water is good and your wine is sweet.

So, I will believe the very words of Eternity and kiss the Son!

-dallas

random thoughts...

So I'm sitting in a coffee shop at 9 o'clock at night all by myself.

And though I do enjoy the solitary moments in life...rather I wish they were more frequent...I am finding myself not particularly happy about this situation.

I'm not sad about it.

Or even lonely.

Just a bit disappointed.

Usually, solitude causes one to enjoy self-reflection. Or rather endure it...depends on the day.

But my mind is drawn to other places right now...

And all the while a familiar scripture rattles my mind...my yoke is easy, my burden is light...

True Prayer

I have come to the conclusion that prayer should never be results oriented.

Why?

Because Jesus' leadership is perfect.

It's the longing of His heart that we come in agreement with Him.

When we pray, and truly pray in the spirit...we come into the knowledge of Him...thus reconciling us back to His heart.

Prayer is not just supplication but rather a doorway into the Holy...the Holiest One...

He never stops longing, so I'll never stop praying...

He is searching for a resting place where man is reconciled with creator...and He isn't resting...and thus the reason behind incessant prayer has become so logical...it won't stay that way, I'm sure...He never likes us to measure Him with human understanding...but I pray that my spirit will come into the knowledge.

guess what?

God has an opinion about EVERYTHING.

It's called truth.

Guess what?

Humans have an opinion on everything.

Indifference is really just a notion of not wanting to confront reality and formed opinion...not to be confused with ignorance, which is the lack of knowledge to form an opinion.

resting place.

i have found myself in constant pursuit of a resting place.

and I have discovered God's only wish...to rest within me.

Throughout the ages, He's been in pursuit of onething...a resting place within the heart of man.

The rage and fury of His heart is birthed out of this violent longing.

I want to devote my life to creating that place for Him.

God give me grace...because I feel the fury of your heart.

the key.

So, the other night I went to Chipotle to gather with many IHOPers for the free burrito madness. Yes, I even donned a piece of aluminum foil.

While I was eating, a little boy no older than four came up to me with a piece of foil wrapped around his neck. He said, "Hey! This looks like a cross...YEA!...no, wait...it looks like a prison key!"

I think the little guy was on to something.

that you may be healed...

ok, folks...

confession time.

here goes nothing...

i lack confidence. it's something i earnestly desire...and it really hurts to notice that i don't have it.

i'm noticing how it affects the way i act in social environments.

it also affects my perception of others...

i'm heartwrecked right now...

but this is good...that i may be healed.

Tune in my head: "There's a power in poverty that brings principalities and demons down to their knees..."

i'm still curious...

pre-trib...post-trib...

this is a new thing that i've been interested in.

i know what i believe...but i want to hear opposing viewpoints.

please...tell me what you think...only then will i tell you what i think.


and give evidence of your stance.

there's a certain pride that comes with immaturity...

Each day, it seems that I am, in some way, confronted with the youthful pride that has plagued most of my generation...it's rather humbling. The way that it creeps up on me is when I notice it in others...I'll get a chip on my shoulder, until I realize that their spoken immaturity matched that of my heart.

I think it has something to do with the community I've chosen to live in. IHOP is comprised of mainly young adults...90% of us are under the age of 25...however, the brokeness of mind and heart have become a major focus with all of us...

When I survey those that actually moved the heart of God, it seems as though that they may have started out with youthful zeal and vigor...and through the test of time...grew thick skin and gray hair...

I found myself wanting gray hair today.

Wisdom would be so nice.

Background music while writing: Luke Wood's worship band...singing an intercessory chorus for the people of Jerusalem..."Break in and save souls!"

in the secret devotion.

In class today, our teacher talked about how the Lord will reveal all hidden things.

However, the common misconception is that He will embarrass us. Eventually, WE will be the great secret givers. No matter what's hidden, we will reveal it.

I kinda chuckled at this. It was sobering to know that all the secret sins, if not handled, will be revealed by my own mouth.

However, a couple weeks ago, I was journaling. I wrote:

"In the secret devotion of my heart, move the biggest."


I wanna see what He does.

Background Music: Grace Kim's Worship with the Word. singing in the spirit...so nice.

Gourmet Grilled Cheese.

I happen to like good food.

So much so that I would pay double the price of something if even there was the hint that it would taste better than usual.

I found myself at Dean & Delucca today-one of my favorite food stops the next state over, and I decided I wanted a grilled cheese sandwich.

I remember when I was younger, the usual grilled cheese was made with American, processed cheese imitation with bleached flour bread. It was fried in a skillet with margarine, and served up on a paper towel with a side of tomato soup.

Well, I think I've matured quite a bit, seeing as the grilled cheese sandwich that was my lunch/dinner had mozzarella and provolone cheese with a garlic pesto. It was served on whole grain bread and wrapped in butcher paper. The side of choice was steamed broccoli and a bag of my favorite chips in the world, ZAPS.

Delicious.

friend.

So this morning in Worship with the Word, one of the singers sang an oracle that went something like this-

"Throughout the ages, You have many servants, but so few friends."

After the worship set, she explained the song. She said in the Bible, there are only 3 people that were called the friends of God. There were many that knew His will and His ways, but so very few were brought into the fellowship of friendship.

I think that above all else, I should wish to make my life about a friendship with Him.

Forget the works, let's talk about His heart.


background music: Grace Kim singing an intercessory chorus-"Your kindness leads us to repentence."

amish folks

Last night I was in the prayer room and was engrossed in a Wikipedia article about the Amish.

These people live their entire lives with the intention of driving away all venues of vanity.

They are aggressively and intentionally living humble lives.

I wonder what they will look like in the age to come...

hmmm...

background music: God TV recording for Daily Devotional...Misty is the worship leader this time.

ellipsis

The use of ellipses can either mislead or clarify, and the reader must rely on the good intentions of the writer who uses it...a nice Wiki-definition for you...

"..." or "dot-dot-dot"

I tend to use them when I write.

Why?

I'm not so sure.

this job of mine...

Yesterday was rather interesting...indeed.

I was given the task of transferring video footage from TheCall Nashville...how awesome is that?

I was being paid to watch a video of a turning point in this nation's prophetic history.

However, sitting in the same place for hours on end is not my cup of tea...it's funny that God would call me to the end-time prayer movement, where the mundane is glory...

So after a seemingly busy day, I found myself sitting in the prayer room...and my boss walks in, obviously exhausted...

You can tell that his day had been more than hectic, for he had been from meeting to meeting and issue to issue...and he collapsed. Yes. Right there in the prayer room.

You have to understand something about my boss...he shows absolutely NO emotion...not even the slightest of smiles (unless he passes gas in front of you)...but through his emotionless person, I could tell that his heart was somewhat in utter joy when he arrived in the house of prayer. His head looked like it had been voluntarily slammed against a couple walls, but he looked relieved.

I have the best boss in the world. He may not be the coolest...Mercy's is sooooo cool...but really, I believe he's the best.

background music while this was written: John Thurlow's 8 a.m. worship with word set...incredible. simply incredible.

A man I barely know has inspired me...

to blog.

I don't mean the fake myspace blogs that one would post for attention.

I don't mean the meaningless blog accounts that you open, with the hopes of being disciplined enough to have self-relflection. (okay maybe I'm the only one...forgive me, then)

I mean the particularly sophisticated art of exposing the thoughts that no one really wanted to know...but appreciate upon stumbling upon them. This is my definition of blogging.

This man that I barely know has revealed only a bit of his wisdom through this portal that really isn't real...when you really think about it, the internet is so detached from reality...and yet it seems to control every moment in our ever changing society...

And I, the archetypical teenage cynic, will attempt to unravel the threads of life...and blog every knot and twist I encounter...

we'll see what happens...

my journey will never be over...